A REALLY BAD RELATIONSHIP IN 3 ACTS: POSTSCRIPT

Today we bring the tale of Hank and Iris up to date. It’s been 15 years since he’s seen Iris, but she still haunts him. The “temporary” restraining order she served him with is still on the books and makes leaving and entering the country an ordeal. Today, Hank muses on revenge . . .

Says Hank, “My wife always says that living well is the best revenge, particularly when it comes to Iris. It’s not. Hell, ‘living well’ doesn’t even qualify as revenge. Jerry Seinfeld had it right: When someone screws you over, buying a really nice dinette set doesn’t settle the score. However, it often bemuses me to think of what a violent, fitful rage she would fly into if she ever happened to learn what sort of life I currently live.

“For Iris, living well was everything. She wanted the large house, multiple cars, jewelry, dining out, nice clothes, travel--the whole package. The thing is, she never managed to really get any of it, or at least not for very long and only parts of it at any given time.

“She’d put endless hours into working a scam on some guy in the hopes of obtaining her easy life of luxury, but barely any effort at all into legitimate work. I’m quite sure she didn’t see it that way. In her mind, she was merely keeping herself at her best in the hopes of landing Mr. Right/Rich.

“She spoke often of her ideal man, usually an older, distinguished man who appreciated ‘art and refinement.’ Even in my youthful state I knew she was completely lacking in anything such a person would actually desire. She was very pretty, but it ended at that point. Her own tastes in art, literature, dining and music were strictly pedestrian and her knowledge of those topics was, to put it bluntly, nonexistent. I knew more about them than she did, and I wasn’t even particularly interested in any of those topics at the time.

“For the rich surgeon or lawyer she desired, she’d be little more than a weekend sex toy to be used between golf games, and then disposed of once the novelty had worn off.

“The irony is, contrary to her last hate-filled wishes for me to die miserable, alone and broke at a young age, I find myself enjoying the lifestyle she wanted for herself at my expense. Indeed, no sooner had gotten myself rid of her and found another job did I notice that I had significantly more cash on hand than at any time in the previous five years when we had been together. Not that I was rich, but I was suddenly able to afford things that had previously been out of reach even though I made essentially the same income.

“In less than a decade I had a large brand-new home and new cars. I could take vacations around the world, dine out frequently, and buy my wife custom jewelry. The whole package.

“I know that she doesn’t know any of this, because if she did she’d be on my front doorstep screaming obscenities while I phoned for police.”

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